We need the Brave Space

I've been having more surreal moments lately.

Some of it is just the season, for this month has been full of facilitation, training, travel, and writing. It has been arduous and rewarding in equal measure. Yet, there's something else underneath it: a recognition I've been sitting with, which leads me to reflect on my current stage of work.

I think I'm moving into what they would call the elder phase. My light-hearted joke is that I started this work when I had a lot more hair and much less gray.

I’m not getting old (obviously), but within the communities I support and the spaces I lead, a quiet acknowledgment is forming. And that comes with a realization for you and me: You may have to keep telling your story. You may have to keep reintroducing yourself. You may need to represent concepts. There's been churn in the field. New people have entered the space, and they may not know where certain ideas came from. They may be practicing what you've taught without knowing who taught it. They may be building on a foundation you laid without ever seeing the blueprint.

That's not a complaint; instead, it's just the reality of staying in a field long enough. History gets lost, and concepts circulate without attribution. So, if something matters, you have to be willing to say it again. So, let me share something I've been saying for years in nearly every deep work session I facilitate. At times, it catches people off guard the first time they hear it and counters what was emerging and prevalent then and even now:

"...I don’t do safe spaces. I’m asking you to help me create a brave space..."

In facilitation, I've learned that the container you create in the first fifteen minutes often determines what becomes possible over the next several hours. I have to be intentional about how I open this line to become part of the ritual.

In a recent session with about thirty people in the room, I explained:

“We didn't do Enneagram assessments on every person here. We didn't run DISC profiles or Myers-Briggs profiles. I didn’t know everyone's color. I haven't had one-on-one coaching conversations with each of you to understand your thresholds for discomfort, your points of courage, or where you are in your own mindset and presence. Given that, it's really impossible for me to gauge what safety looks like for every single person in this room.”

Then I reminded them of something I believe deeply and is a key presupposition: “We live, lead, and experience life not from the outside in, but from the inside out.”

We all carry a lens through which we see the world. That lens is shaped by our beliefs, our values, and even our emotional state in any given moment. Safety is an interior experience. I can't manufacture it for you. No facilitator can.

What I can do is something different. “I believe every single person in this room can be at least one percent braver. That we can move in a way where we create what I call a brave space-an environment where growth is possible precisely because we're willing to sit in discomfort together.”

From here, I asked them to hold just six simple commitments to make a brave space possible:

• Show Up Fully

Bring your whole self. Bring your whole perspective. Your perceptual position on any situation will differ from everyone else in the room. That's not a problem to solve. That's a resource to draw from.

Showing up fully also means being present. I asked them to, "Be where your feet are," a phrase I borrowed from one of my favorite teachers, Dr. Cynthia Bourgeault. “Be here. Not in the last meeting. Not in the next task. Not in your email. Here. For presence is the precursor to leadership.”

• Speak The Truth and Your Truth

We have different perspectives, and how we see things can genuinely contribute to the work. Share what matters, even when it feels uncertain. If you're someone who needs to think out loud, stay in the tension. Open it up. Let's see what happens.

• Listen Generously

Assume good intent. Listen actively. As we were taught, “Seek first to understand before seeking to be understood.” And if you're doing that well, you'll find yourself asking more questions than making declarations.

• Welcome the Discomfort

Growth happens at the edge of what we know. My mentor used to say it to me often: stay in the tension. Stay in the tension. The tension is okay. The tension is where movement becomes possible.

Being comfortable is not always healthy. Comfort doesn't necessarily move us forward. It may actually be holding us in place, keeping us from the growth we say we want.

• Honor Differences

Varied experiences strengthen the work, not just while we're together, but after we leave. This isn't only about the diversity of culture. It's about diversity of thought, perspective, and viewpoint.

Know that innovation happens at the intersections. If everyone is moving in parallel, lines never cross. Sometimes we need moments where paths converge and something new emerges.

• Practice Grace

When we stumble, we learn. When we learn, we adjust and do this together. No one in a brave space is expected to be perfect. The expectation is that we stay in the room, stay in the work, and extend to each other what we hope to receive ourselves. 

I do want to acknowledge that the language of safe spaces has been with us for a while, and I understand the impulse behind it. We want people to feel they can show up without fear of harm. But safety, cannot be guaranteed by a facilitator, a set of ground rules, or a well-meaning intention. What feels safe to one person may feel constraining to another. What one person needs to feel secure, another may experience as avoidance.

Brave spaces don't dismiss the desire for safety. They simply acknowledge that safety is not something I can hand you. Yes, there will be agreements and parameters, but I can also offer an invitation: “Be one percent braver than you were when you walked in. Say the thing that matters. Stay when it gets uncomfortable. Trust that the room will hold what you bring.”

If you are thinking, “Don’t you see that as reckless?” NOPE! I see it as courageous.

And in my experience, that's where the real work happens. Let’s see if we can create a few more together.

Be well.

Be brave.

Be blessed.

Tray T.S. Deadwyler, CVM, CLC, CBC (Elder in progress)

Think For Good, Inc.

If this helps, send me a note. Quibbles as well.